July 12, 2009 Pastor Tim Pusey

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
GETTING IT RIGHT WITH MOM AND DAD
Deuteronomy 5:16

As we begin, I want to invite you all to stand. You know what’s coming, don’t you? We’re going to all digress for just a moment and sing our little kids’ song about the Ten Commandments—because I want us to have some handle for remembering these most significant and foundational laws which God has laid out for us in order that we can experience the very best in life. So, let’s sing it again…
One—Don’t worship other gods
Two—No graven images
Three—Don’t take God’s name in vain
Four—The Sabbath is for rest
Five—Obey your mom and dad
Six—Don’t ever, ever kill
Seven—Be faithful to your spouse
And (Eight) Don’t Steal
(Nine) Don’t lie
(Ten) Don’t wish for other men’s things!

(1994 Word Publishing Company; words by Gloria Gaither and Shirley Dobson)

We’ve gone through one, two, three and four. Today we’re ready to begin with number five! Join me in reading this commandment as presented in Deuteronomy 5:16 in the New Living Translation of the Bible:
Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God will give you. (Deuteronomy 5:16, NLT)

Now, on the surface of things, most people would say: “Yes, there’s a great commandment for my kids! Give it to ‘em preacher! I sure hope they can live by that one!” It sounds so simple! In fact, our little song translates it “Obey your mom and dad”—and from a child’s perspective, that’s probably about how it gets fleshed out. But I want you to know that this commandment is not just “G-rated.” It’s also for “mature audiences”!

If you haven’t already figured it out, the first four Commandments deal with our relationship with God; the other six deal with our relationships to each other. And it is extremely significant to note that the set of six that deals with our relationships with one another begins by centering in on relationships within the family! That puts the family where it belongs among all our other relationships—at the center! And unless people learn to live together in the family, they aren’t likely to learn to get along with anybody anywhere! And if that statement agitates you, stay with me for a while here—I know it’s not quite that simple! We understand that love for God comes first; but, as Christ summarized for us, we are also to love our neighbor…and it seems pretty logical to conclude that loving our neighbor starts at home.

And so we are instructed to “Honor your father and mother…” The relationship between parent and child is the beginning of all social relationships. The first relationship most every person encounters is the relationship with his or her parents. Our parents are the channel of God’s gift of life to us. No other human relationship is so fundamental in our lives!

And we are to “honor” our mother and our father. The word “honor” is a heavy word—literally! The word is “kaved,” Hebrew for “heavy” or “weighty.” Many kids would gladly declare their parents are “heavy” or “weighty”—I can hear it now! But it’s the response to our parents that is to be “weighty.” It’s the word the Old Testament uses for the glory of God, for the “weightiness” of His divine majesty. To honor one’s parents, then, is to give due weight to their position. It is to give them the recognition they deserve for their God-given authority. To honor is to respect, esteem, value, and prize our father and our mother as gifts from God.

And it is significant for us to note that the commandment calls for honor to be given to both fathers and mothers. I am told that this commandment was without parallel in the ancient world, for while the Old Testament is often considered patriarchal, here the Bible clearly insists that mothers should receive as much honor as fathers. It was unheard of! Then unless a parent is removed by death, every child is expected to honor both a father and a mother. You might also note that God’s plan isn’t for two mothers or two fathers in a family—we are to honor our father and our mother. That’s God’s plan—make no mistake about it.

God’s commandments are clear in that we are to learn to live under authority—and the place that this is first to be learned is in our home growing up. However, there is no indication that one ever “outgrows” this commandment, and there are certainly those who believe that this honoring of parents is foundational for each of us in learning to submit to other authorities in our lives as well.

So—why is it so important for me to honor my father and my mother? There is built into our very social fabric a sense of order and identity that intentionally gives us roots and strength and perspective and discipline. At the heart of that structure is the family, headed by our parents. And acknowledging that God-given order prompts a reverence for parents—a high regard, a respect, an esteem for the older members of each of our families.

Why should children respect their parents? Because life’s just a lot happier at home when they do, right?! Parents deserve to be honored for the many sacrifices they make on behalf of their children. They deserve to be listened to because they have been around a lot longer than their kids! There has to be some benefit to getting old! Parents have a wealth of life experiences—and, interestingly enough, parents often seem to go through a cycle of losing then gaining wisdom:
• When our kids were little, they just naturally turned to Cindy and to me for lots of things. If we had said the moon was made of cheese, they’d have believed us! They assumed we knew most everything!
• When our kids moved into their teen years, they quite naturally began to doubt the wisdom of mom and dad. There were times when they thought us terribly out of touch with the real world! What in the world could such old geezers like us know about their world, anyway?!
• And now that our kids are young adults and getting established in their careers and establishing homes of their own, they’ve actually sought out our advice once or twice! We’re not yet brilliant in their eyes—and will likely never seem as smart as they once thought us—but I get the impression now and then that Cindy and I have perhaps gone through a tremendous transformation and become so much wiser in recent years!
It’s just amazing how parents make such progress!

Sons and daughters should respect their parents because this glorifies God—which is reason enough all by itself. In other words, God is glorified when parents are honored as they should be! It is evidence of a submission to God’s plan for social relationships—all of which begins in the home!

But if children are to obey and honor their parents, then there is a reciprocal obligation on parents as well. If children are supposed to obey their parents, then obviously parents are supposed to give them proper discipline and direction. The New Testament makes this clear when it attaches these words to the Fifth Commandment:
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4, NIV).

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged (Colossians 3:21, NIV).

When parents place unreasonable demands on their children, when they correct them in anger rather than in love, or when they stunt their growth by stifling their freedom, they abuse their authority. And parents are called upon to give their children many other things besides proper discipline. We are called to pray for them, encourage them, counsel them, protect them, and provide for their daily needs. We are called to set a godly example, for although children don’t always listen to their parents, they never fail to imitate them—you learn that after you teach your kids to drive and they eventually begin to pick up your bad driving habits! (and then they all become back-seat drivers telling you how to drive!) We are called to educate our children, preparing them for life, including the possibility of marriage and parenthood. And if children are commanded to listen to their parents, then we as parents are commanded to teach them the Scriptures and lead them in the worship of God. And such acknowledgements go hand-in-hand with the Fifth Commandment to honor our father and our mothers.

It’s all a matter of getting things started off right—in the home, so that we can get it right elsewhere! We are to honor our father and our mother!

But it isn’t always that simple in real life, is it? Learning God’s plan for the family sometimes brings sadness and disappointment—even anger in some cases—to people who never had a good family background. To put it bluntly: some dads and some moms are jerks! They don’t deserve respect! Being able physiologically to bring a baby into the world doesn’t make their lives honorable!

The longer I live the more amazed I am at how our lives are continually shaped and impacted by our family of origin. How our parents related to us—and, how we relate to them—forever seems to impact our lives! It’s often funny…and sometimes heartbreaking. If our parents let sin rule their lives, we somehow seem to bear the residual effects! Good and bad…we’re impacted tremendously by our family!

So, how does a son or daughter “honor” their father and mother when that father or mother isn’t living an honorable life? If the Fifth Commandment is binding upon us regardless of the home in which we were raised, how is a person to honor a parent who doesn’t seem worthy of respect? Because God clearly puts others in authority over us, we are to treat them with respect and obedience even when they don’t seem to deserve our respect.

The Heidelberg Catechism, of over 400 years ago, clarified the issue in this manner, saying that the Fifth Commandment requires:
That I show honor, love, and faithfulness to my father and mother and to all who are set in authority over me; that I submit myself with respectful obedience to all their careful instruction and discipline; and that I also bear patiently their failures, since it is God’s will to govern by their hand.
In other words, respect for those who are in authority is respect for God, because all authority comes from Him. Our respect is not based on their personal qualities or their performance as a parent, but on the position God has given them.

Having said that, how does one deal with a parent who has been abusive or indifferent or absent? It’s just not natural at all to “honor” such a parent! It’s not fair! It may not even seem right at all! And yet there are many times and situations when honoring a father or mother calls for us to evidence toward them the same grace and forgiveness God has offered to us.

Please understand that our respect for those God has placed in authority over us never supersedes our ultimate respect for God, our Heavenly Father. The child that is demanded by a parent to do something that is a violation of God’s law is clearly obligated to first and foremost obey the law of God—though we understand that in the intimidating situation of abuse a child is often forced to do that which he or she knows is wrong. Our hearts ache for such children—as I believe the heart of God aches for them…and they surely merit our love and compassion and mercy.

But how does someone obey the Fifth Commandment when simply dealing with a father or mother that is clearly not worthy of respect? Does the lack of such respectability give license for a teenager, for example, to rebel against his or her parents in other ways? Does the lack of such respectability give an adult reason to be indifferent to his or her parents years later? Giving respect and love are clearly demanded, but doing so is certainly not the same as finding the emotional support one hopes to find in their parents—regardless of how old they are!

I know a man whose mother has never merited his respect, but he has been a dutiful son regardless. He has seen that her needs have been met across the years and went regularly to see her in the nursing home where she was cared for in her last few years. It was physically and emotionally stressful for him to do so, but he did it anyway. When she passed away, there was undoubtedly a deep sadness that his mother was never the mother he wished she had been, but he can live with a sense of inward peace now knowing that he was faithful to her and as kind to her as she let him be. He has honored his mother—even though he never received emotional support from her. She was a terrible mother in many ways, but he has chosen to honor her anyway. God provided for that man’s emotional support through other means and helped him to create a loving, nurturing family himself—and he has lived a life worthy of his kids’ respect.

What about the emotional scars and wounds left by a mom or dad unworthy of respect? Let us never forget that our God is the God who heals. He does not want to leave us suffering in our woundedness, but wants to restore emotional health to us. God uses many different means to bring about such healing—and, as His sons and daughters, we have every right to pursue such healing—and certainly God does not want us to live our lives wallowing in such pain and hurt! Even if a parent was absolutely hateful to a son or daughter, healing will not come if we merely return hatred for hatred. As believers in Christ, we are taught to love our enemies—and to respond to evil by doing good. Is there any better place to put this into practice than in the context of family relations?

You see, the Fifth Commandment is not just for kids. This commandment calls for a lifetime of respect and honor given to our parents.
• Yes, it’s clearly for young children in our homes.
• And yes, it’s definitely for teenagers too! Teenagers honor mom and dad when they listen to what their parents are saying, including the warnings about who they choose as friends and where they go and what time they’re going to get home…and honoring mom and dad means listening without rolling their eyes as they’re walking away!
• And the Fifth Commandment is for young adults too—as they transition into adulthood and begin to relate to their parents adult-to-adult. Honoring our parents in our young adult years rightfully brings a new awareness of the value of our parents and the impact they’ve made on our lives and, hopefully a valuing of their seasoned wisdom but also an awareness of their personal weaknesses. While Scripture admonishes men who marry to “leave their father and their mother and cling to their wife,” and while the relationship with our spouse clearly becomes our primary focus of attention, there is still no license to then ignore the Fifth Commandment.
• And the Fifth Commandment is for middle-aged people like me, too, and even for those older than myself whose parents are still living. Honoring our parents means being attentive to them, caring for them as needed, listening to them, calling them, helping them as we’re able, and keeping them enfolded into our lives. It means loving them as we will want our children to love us when we’re older too.

I came to an awareness of my role as a son a few years ago after our kids left home for college. I realized that parents likely think about their kids most every day of their lives—it’s just a mom or dad kind of thing! They’re so much an extension of our own lives! But kids probably don’t as quickly think about their parents every day. They have their lives to live and relationships they’re building—and eventually perhaps a family of their own to give time and energy to. And so, as we’ve begun releasing our kids to live their own lives, I’ve been challenged to become a better son—a son that is more attentive to his parents now that our nest is empty.

And it’s been a good thing for me!—and for Mom and Dad, too, I think. And it’s affirming to hear my parents express their appreciation for my calls to them—and their appreciation in knowing that I’m interested in them! I believe that’s a right response to the Fifth Commandment—even at the age of 53!

By the way, this is the only commandment with a promise:
Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God will give you. (Deuteronomy 5:16, NLT)
God is promising a blessing for those who obey the Fifth Commandment! Here’s a promise for abundant living—a full and meaningful life! So the lesson is clear: one of the important ingredients of a great life is getting things right in your relationship with mom and dad—regardless of what was in the past and regardless of how they “performed” as a parent. God will bless us if we determine to be sons and daughters who love and honor our parents.

Will you embrace and pursue that blessing? Will you honor your mother and your father? God will help you if you determine to pursue this—and He will bless you for being obedient to His will! But also understand that there will be increased heartache in your life if you refuse to do so. May I challenge you to be submissive to God’s Fifth Commandment by honoring your father and your mother—and may you then be marvelously blessed in your own life!

[Prayer:
• thanks to God for our parents;
• ask God to show you what you need to do to honor your parents today;
• tell God about your hurts, disappointments and even anger in response to your parents, if those feelings are present and ask for Christlike love and grace in your response to them;
• ask for his help and healing; seek wisdom to know how to be good sons and daughters